Türkiye – Wattle Goozle – Got You Under My Chin

I woke up one morning and noticed something dangling under my chin. It was skin. It didn’t feel right to me, so I asked my mom about it. She was 9 years old. Mom told me it was just a goozle. I didn’t feel one bit relieved. I googled the dictionary and found this:

Google: The accumulated loose skin that hangs below the chin usually becomes prominent in men by the time they reach their mid to late forties, sometimes called a turkey beard neck.

I asked mom how to get rid of it. She just waved me over and said it was normal. Normal! Ha! That’s what they told Quasimodo when he asked about his hump, that’s what they told Frankenstein when he asked about the steel bolts in his neck. Why don’t parents tell them the truth; You are a monster.

Now that I’m considerably older, my turkey wattle goozle hangs down to my waist. I am considering renting it out as a storage unit or small shop. There are some procedures that can help.

Botox: You think Botox for the little crow’s feet and mouth wrinkles, but I think I can have a doctor apply it by the gallon and my goozle will tame back to its 9 year old level. No more than twelve injections should be taken in a 3-year period.

Ice: For a temporary shrink, right before prom, put your goozle in an ice bucket for about an hour. Make sure you’re home before midnight because when he’s gone, he’s gone fast.

Surgery: A temple lift will help some, but there is a risk of ending up looking like the Joker if you overdo it. It’s better to just cut it off completely, tie up any loose muscles or whatever is hiding in a goozle, and cover up the scars with industrial-strength makeup.

Psychotherapy: Learn to love yourself, Google and all.

Disguise: If you can, grow a really big beard. If you can’t, wear a ruffled collar. You can also dye your hair orange, which will draw attention away from your beards. They can be painted like army camouflage uniforms so no one will notice them.

Or you can just accept that you are a monster and get a job in the movies. As a producer.