King Freddie doesn’t want to lose his mind

Rebellious peasants were nothing new in England, but there seemed to be more of them these days since Thomas Belcher had formed the British Union of Revolutionary Peasants (BURP). BURP demonstrations were sometimes supported by the League for Improved Coinage in England (LICE) with banners calling for “Gilded heads on gilded coins”. King Freddie decided to do something to make himself more popular, so he called his prime minister, Merlin the Whirlin, for a consultation. Merlin suggested that it might be a good idea to hold a referendum as people liked to feel that they were being consulted on an important national issue.

A referendum on what? Freddie asked.

‘Oh, I don’t know; let’s say which head should be on our coins. That should be acceptable to LICE.

‘You mean my head won’t be on the coins anymore?’

‘Don’t worry, we’ll put out a bunch of government propaganda, flood the media with propaganda and get all the criers on our side.’

‘Do you think we can win?’

‘No, but we can give it a good chance.’

I do not want to lose.

‘No, but you want to be popular. Losing your mind might be the most popular thing you’ve done since you fired Cuthbert as patron saint.

“I still don’t think I want a referendum that could make me lose my mind.”

‘How about we keep your head but put another side on the other side of the coin?’

“The side you call tail in cricket?”

‘That’s right, then we could hold a national vote on which head we should wear.’

Harold of Monmouth would win.

‘Not necessarily, we have a few other handsome men in England and Wales; George’s man Jack is quite a believer in his chances, and then there’s Cuthbert. We could make a shortlist and let the entire population vote on the final selection.’

‘How are we going to let people see the different heads?’

‘Let’s say we have a short list of six. We will design six gold coins, each with your head on one side and one of six different heads on the other. We will then mint one hundred of each of the six coins and display them in all major towns and cities.’

‘How will they show themselves?’

“At each location, people will see a row of six coins showing the six different heads.”

‘Will my head not be shown?’

You don’t have to show your head and if you did, no one would come to see the coins.

‘So how do we select a short list?’

‘I suggest that we ask each town and city to hold a beautiful head contest and select the best ones to go on to the regional contests. The winners of the regional contests will then come to London for the final selection of the super six.

“What a brilliant idea, I’m sure the contest will boost my morale and popularity,” said Freddie.

‘Yes, I think it will boost morale,’ said Merlin.