Is an adventure worth the risk?

As romantic melodies surround you, it’s easy to feel consumed by responsibilities and a lack of opportunity to be loved. Perhaps your relationship feels strained or platonic and that wonderful “in love” feeling is gone. The thought of meeting someone whose face will light up at your site as you run for passionate kisses stirs your heart. You flirt with the idea of ​​having an affair.

In my years as a marriage and family therapist, I have counseled many people who are considering an affair, in the midst of an indiscretion, or trying to heal from the devastation of revelation.

The affairs are full of fantasy, secrets and lies. For most people, the fact that someone they trusted implicitly lied to them right to their face is the deepest pain.

Monogamous relationships are based on making a deal to be faithful and honest. It’s natural for healthy adults to find that they are physically, emotionally, and sexually attracted to other people. It’s not the feelings that cause problems, it’s the behavior that results.

Emotional infidelity is when a bond is formed with someone other than the spouse and the attraction is kept secret. Fantasies of being with the other person, flirtations and jokes with double meanings are the first steps down the slippery slope of adultery. The signs include;

1. mention the person’s name often in conversations,

2. avoid the behavior in front of your spouse,

3. keep your feelings secret from co-workers, friends and family,

4. feel guilty but can’t help but wish it would make more progress,

5. think and fantasize about romance when you are not with the person,

6. Redirect your route to pass or meet the object of your fantasy.

This stage of infidelity is like a psychotic episode. Responsibilities tend to be forgotten, imaginations run wild, energy is high, and the idea of ​​being discovered is generally dismissed. If you are confronted with someone who sees her behavior, tell her that she is imagining what she sees.

Signs that indicate a cheater include;

1. Teasing your spouse about inconsequential matters as a way to justify your behavior,

2. wear new clothes, change hairstyle and be especially careful with makeup,

3. unexcused absences,

4. Phone calls, emails, a purse or briefcase, and computer use are suddenly private,

5. Daydreaming and a sense of being distracted are evident.

Many more signs that vary depending on the stage of the relationship can be easily spotted. Often, sex with a spouse stops when sexual activity begins in an affair.

Some marriages survive adultery and grow stronger by ensuring there is time to be lovers, not just partners in running a home and parenting. Other relationships broke down with bitterness and conflict over custody and support that dragged on for years. The children blame the father who had the affair, although the cause of the affair can be traced back to a change in the marriage.

A couple agreeing to have an open marriage with other sexual partners in an affair may not pose any risk. For most married couples, an affair is a major crisis.

I advise my clients to acknowledge their desire for romance and address their need with their partner to see if the relationship can be rekindled. Some relationships can’t and the couple agrees to separate.

Affairs turn honest people into liars, trustworthy people into cheats, and devastate families. In my opinion, an adventure is never worth the risk.