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Parenting Toolkit: Paradoxical Intervention

Sometimes stopping problem behavior requires prescribing the problem behavior. Like vaccination, in which a little bit of the disease is injected into the system to help it build immunity, paradoxical intervention promotes a bit of bad behavior in hopes of ending it.

For example, let’s say two brothers are fighting; not serious fights, but verbal insults and maybe some pinching and shoving. Normally, parents would tell them to stop, and at best that only works for a few minutes. So instead of telling the siblings to stop, the parent suggests a set time and place where they can engage in that behavior for a limited period of time. You need to create a space, say the garage or the game room. You need a stopwatch, just like a referee. The idea is to allow siblings to engage in this behavior for, say, 20 minutes. There should be rules such as no hitting, spitting, throwing hard objects, etc. Rules are also set about what they can do: they can be allowed to name, yell, and maybe even throw pillows. In fact, it can be organized like a pillow fight with the same conditions and guidelines. Siblings should be included in making the rules. They are allowed to engage in this behavior without punishment or reprimand.

Another example: let’s say a child overeats. Instead of trying to limit the amount of food eaten, try a paradoxical intervention by offering extra food. If the child is eating a whole bag of potato chips, offer another bag. The idea here is that the child eventually rejects the offered food. If this continues, the child will refuse more and more and this can help establish the behavior of saying no to extra food.

In all cases, children engage in behaviors for a reason, and most of the time that reason is to satisfy a need. The need can be attention, it can be love, it can be a way of expressing anger, and it can be a way of communicating something. By showing the child that you are not trying to stop the behavior, but are actually willing to allow it to escalate, you can tell the child that you are interested in finding out the reason for the behavior without saying anything. Children will not be able to answer “why are you doing that”. You will probably get “I don’t know” for an answer. But, if they feel that you are on their side rather than against them, they are more likely to reveal information that would not have otherwise been expressed.

Paradoxical intervention, sometimes called reverse psychology, must be handled with caution, as it can backfire. For example, a young child who refuses to eat dinner may be told that he absolutely cannot eat dinner. Often the child, wanting to be an opponent, will demand to eat dinner. But, sometimes they can just say “okay” and walk away from the table. Paradoxical intervention is best used when other interventions have not worked. The parent should think about it carefully and then try. If it doesn’t work, just stop.

Parents need to realize that doing the same thing over and over again, like telling their children to stop this or that and expecting a different result, is foolish at best. The definition of insanity is jokingly defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. If, as a parent, you are not getting the results you want in your children from you current behavior, just do something different. Paradoxical intervention is generally something very different and often elicits a different response.

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