I finally got my estranged spouse to try to reconcile, but it didn’t work out

Sometimes I hear from people who are extremely upset that they are dealing with two very serious problems. The first is that they are separated but wish they weren’t. The second is that they had a chance to reconcile or get back together and it failed. So now, not only are they still apart, but they don’t know if they’ll ever get a chance to try again.

Someone might say, “My husband and I broke up because I felt like I was having an inappropriate relationship with someone at work. He denied it, but his behavior towards me had changed. We have been married for over 15 years and I know his behavior very good. I knew something was wrong. When I tried to discuss this with him, he honestly made things worse and it didn’t get any better. So I felt it was better if we took a little break. Honestly, I didn’t expect the break to last long. But they happened weeks without speaking. I stayed with my aunt, who said she was welcome as long as she needed to be there. Very slowly, my husband started calling me again and begging me to come home. give in right away, but I missed him so much that after a couple of weeks of his begging, I gave in and went home. Right away, things were tense and horrible. I was hoping for a happy homecoming, but what really happened was anything but and SW. We were constantly fighting and it felt like he didn’t want me there. I finally started asking him what was wrong. At first he denied any problems, but I followed suit. She eventually admitted that she has real feelings for the other woman at work, although she continues to deny any inappropriate relationships. I got so mad about this that I packed my bag and went back to my aunts. It’s no longer me begging. When I talk to him, he’s in a hurry to hang up the phone. Now I’m afraid I’ve made a big mistake. By leaving the way I did, you are now free to pursue a relationship with the other woman. Essentially, I gave her free rein to come and take my husband if that’s what she wants to do. Should I go home unannounced? He didn’t ask me to leave. I did that on my own. My fear is that if I go home, things will get tense again. “

This is a delicate situation. And it happens a lot. These kinds of unfortunate situations are often the reason why I encourage couples to seek counseling during their separation and to take it easy. It’s a bit more difficult to fix this than it would have been to rebuild a base before trying to reconcile. However, none of this is impossible. But because you perceive that the other woman is in the image, you feel like you don’t have the luxury of time. One way to try to avoid this is to try to schedule regular times to meet (preferably to seek advice or at least work on your relationship). Simply asking her to support you in the sessions for you. This is a roundabout way of engaging him, hoping that gradually as he becomes more comfortable. the counselor can incorporate the theme of your marriage. They may also get together for coffee or dinner afterward, but at least this way, they are working toward achieving something and laying the groundwork instead of hoping for the best without making any real changes.

If you don’t agree with this right away, try waiting without pressure. Go back to what you did before when I called you regularly. If you were successful with being patient and staying upbeat before, then consider doing it one more time.

I know you fear that he will immediately start a relationship with another woman, but just because he admits feelings for her does not mean that he will immediately haunt her. I’m not saying I can’t or won’t. I’m just saying that it’s better to wait and see (while I remind you that you are married with regular contact and hopefully counseling) than to assume the worst. She may not even be interested. He may be the one who has all the feelings.

If you feel that it is important to address this, you can try a conversation like: “I want you to know that I regret immediately leaving myself in that way. I really wanted the reconciliation to work, but when you admitted feelings towards someone else, I reacted to fear more than to logic. I’m sorry. But it upset me so much that I wasn’t really thinking. I was just reacting. I don’t want you to think that I’m no longer interested in reconciling because I am. I just have some real concerns that need to be addressed and I’m not sure what None of us are qualified to do it alone. I would love if we could go to therapy together or at least you could go with when I attend. It may or may not work, but if not, at least we will know that we tried. I don’t want to give up on this marriage, But neither of us are mental health or marriage experts, so I think it’s smart to seek help. I don’t want to continue as we are. We both know that we miss one another, but we don’t seem to know how to move towards reconciliation successfully. How do you feel about that? “

Hopefully you will agree. If not, I think it’s worth being patient and trying not to panic. If he starts to push and panic, it almost makes it easier for the other woman (and that’s assuming she shares his interest. We don’t know if she does. She may not want to get involved with him, even if he was ready .)

The hope is that he will eventually miss you in the same way he did the first time. But instead of rushing, you now have a chance to build a new base and figure out a few things before making the leap to return immediately.