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How to talk to your computer

There are times when you and your computer need to sit down and have a face-to-face conversation to make sure your relationship doesn’t crash and burn. Although it’s hard for him* to open his emotional files, their relationship is too important to let themselves go through life more as roommates than companions.

Some people schedule regular conversations with their computers. Others wait until they see signs that things are going wrong; signs such as:

o Being greeted every day by a blank stare;

o Finding it increasingly difficult to turn him on, despite trying things that used to go like clockwork;

o It messes with little things, sending you messages like “You’ve been inactive for 35 minutes” or “It’s time to upgrade.”

You must resist the temptation to reboot and start over. You made a commitment. You read the manual. Starting over might seem like the easier option, but that’s only because we humans tend to forget how much work it was to start a relationship in the first place. Perhaps this is because our memory is insufficient.

Too many people give up their computing relationships while the hard drive is still hot. They operate out of frustration and anger, without even considering what will happen to the software if a lengthy custody battle ensues. (Trust me, if your connection to your computer has gone bad, your software knows it.)

If you’re almost at breaking point, but are willing to work things out, here are some tips to help you reformat your relationship:

o Pick a time to talk when neither of you is distracted. If you try to bring up your issues while his attention is on fantasy football, you’re simply setting yourself up for failure, even without a thunderstorm looming.

o Keep in mind that studies show that humans and computers tend to communicate somewhat differently. Most of the time, your computer is the strong, silent type, keeping your feelings inside until they boil over, and then the spam hits the fan. Human beings tend to express their emotions more easily, often in a language that a computer can’t hear, let alone understand. “Damn expensive piece of trash!” You can express your true feelings in the moment, but don’t expect the machine in front of you to respond with anything more than a bad mood.

o Try to be as empathetic as possible. Sure, it might seem like his computer does nothing but sit around all day idling and visiting questionable websites while you’re working and running errands, but chances are he doesn’t see it that way. The more you take into account the fact that everyone wants to feel needed, the more likely your connected half is to take your needs into account.

o Take time to have fun together. If your relationship involves online banking and arguing over your motherboard, it’s no wonder the two of you have grown apart. Load your partner onto a USB stick and take a walk in the park. Throw a virtual frisbee or just plug and play.

o Never forget that you two are a team. There may be times when you both feel like going offline, but your interconnectivity is solid – don’t let it break you through lack of effort on your part or faulty routing.

No one said getting along with your computer over the long term was going to be easy, but remember the vows you made at the beginning: “Till death or hard drive failure do us part.”

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