High speed blenders work great for smoothies – families not so much
In the last few days I have seen a number of blogs and posts on the subject of stepfamilies, the process of assembling families, and the problems adults in stepfamilies often experience.
My first observation was this… women seem to find a lot of dissatisfaction with this particular arrangement. Many of the posts were from stepmothers struggling to find a role for themselves.
I read many complaints.
A woman lamented the fact that her 9-year-old stepdaughter was misbehaving at home because her birth mother is not an ACTIVE mother. In this particular woman’s mind, it was clear that the girl must be crazy because she is forced to spend half her time with an incompetent biological mother and she couldn’t have her as a full-time mother.
While his reasoning seemed overly simplistic at best, his voice was not alone. Many women, biological and passing through, are filled with anger, frustration, and resentment over this delicate procedure that our society now calls “blended” families.
Parenting is a hot topic. No doubt about that.
Birth mothers miss their children when they are away and can often feel belittled or threatened when they feel that another woman is overstepping her boundaries and encroaching on the sacred space between a mother and her offspring.
Every other animal in nature solves this potential problem with teeth and claws…
Woe to the man or woman who surprises a mother bear in the woods! My condolences to the well-intentioned but misguided outdoorsman who strays too close to the swallows’ nest. Even the smallest of birds doesn’t recognize how small they are when a security breach is perceived.
Once you become a mother, you understand this basic defensive reaction with a little more compassion. If you are the threatened mother there is always an ingrained protective instinct. I know that almost every mother can name a time when instincts kicked in before reason could tame them.
Sometimes this is great. We learn that we have the ability to do things on behalf of our children that we would not have the courage to do on our own. Sometimes, however, our emotions and instincts can serve to complicate an already difficult situation for a child.
Stepmoms don’t have it so good either. They also run the risk of feeling belittled, but also seem compelled to prove themselves in some way. His position is under the watchful eye and full of judgment of many. Are you doing a good job? Is this child being stolen from another woman? Is he corrupting the child in any way? Are you providing fuel to an already burning fire that could be in progress between the child’s biological parents? Is she active enough? Is she too active?
Everyone (including your own birth family) will have input into what you are doing and how you are doing it. Our society still judges a woman very harshly based on her ability to be a good mother. Lazy dads receive less criticism than the mother (biological or adoptive) who does not take her role seriously.
Trying to replace a biological parent is a losing battle. Trying to blend in like it’s no big deal is also a losing battle… indeed, at the root of this thoughtless plan is a naive belief that it has great potential for harm.
Real life stories don’t have a Brady Bunch theme song.
So how do we approach such a sensitive subject? If we are reasonable adults, we all know that “Putting the child’s needs and feelings first” is the correct answer. If we are honest adults we see that many times we fall short. What we say we believe and what we actually do may not be well aligned with each other.
It’s time to leave your ego at the door.
You are not special. To coin a phrase I’ve heard here and there and everywhere… “You’re not a beautiful or unique snowflake.”
I think Tyler Durden said that actually…
This does not mean that you are not fantastic in your own way. I am also interested in self respect and empowerment, don’t get me wrong. What this means is that regardless of who we are or how unique we perceive our situation, we have the same stages of development and fall into the same traps as 99% of other people facing similar situations.
People are pretty predictable. Given any situation, there are only a handful of options that people will choose.
If we were to find a wallet on the street, the obvious choices are: A- keep the money B- hand over the wallet
Most human beings faced with this situation will choose one of the two options.
If you were SINGLE… maybe you’d eat your wallet for dinner… with a nice red wine or something.
Again, most of us will fall into camp A or B.
How might it be useful for you to keep this in mind? Well… if you don’t mind indulging me for a moment, I’ll describe a moment of clarity that has changed my thinking. Because you see, I am also a tiger mom.
Furious at the latest absurdity and injustice regarding my pup’s fate (we don’t need to delve deeper into this than that), I found myself opening a book at Barnes and Noble on the very subject we opened with… blended families.
Very quickly I learned a couple of things.
My feelings and reactions were typical, as were the feelings and reactions of other parties involved.
The aforementioned absurdities of having my panties in a bunch were actually quite common and all of the adults involved had followed very predictable patterns of behavior.
It was refreshing and surprising to say the least. Logically I know it shouldn’t be surprising. I study research-based theories of child and student development. Why should I believe that the situation I was currently growing up in did not have a well-researched model of human development? Why didn’t I realize how unconsciously I was experiencing this?
I’m not that special. I just needed a reminder. When I saw that my reactions and the behaviors of all the adults involved were not extraordinary, I was able to decide to make different decisions. Subsequently, my behaviors are now less based on my own sense of unfairness and basic instinct and more focused on my son’s mental and emotional health.
This revealing moment of mine shouldn’t make you believe that now I am so enlightened that I never bother… I am a human animal after all. The difference is that now I can pause and analyze. I have found that repositioning, the ability to retreat, and careful assessment of my nest site are important skills. A good understanding of the biological habits and tendencies of other animals living in the same habitat is also required to survive. He needed to understand that when the skunk’s tail was up, reasoning with it was impossible…attempting would only make things worse.
Now… did I buy this book and mail it to the other adults involved? No. I don’t think they’re ready to have those kinds of conversations with me yet. However, I felt a pang of compassion for them. What a rotten place to be… and I could see that the holes were still in the process of being dug deeper.
Soon I’ll be on the other side of the fence. My son and I will also be merging as we add a new male householder father to our little family. So how can we prepare?
My partner and I have been discussing this conundrum for about a year and a half as we slowly transition from his status of “mommy’s friend” to “my friend” to “our guide, advocate, and supporter.”
While my alpha and I have been monogamous and committed for several years, we didn’t attempt any kind of “mixing” between the three of us until the decision was made that we were ready to pack together permanently.
At first this meant my son would stay up long enough to say hello when my partner came over for our night report. So it meant our new edition would occasionally stop for a meal and stay for a movie or game. Eventually, he began to travel with us from time to time for the dreaded pickup and delivery… it was important to show civility and respect towards the pup’s biological roots.
My partner knows that he will be taking on a new role, not replacing one that is currently filled. He is a different type of animal capable of teaching my pup a different set of survival skills. He will improve, he will not compete.
We will have to build our own traditions as a small tribe. My son will be encouraged to explore new interests with his new stepfather. The old rituals of father and son will remain sacred and will be allowed to grow in their own way.
As a family, we will need to do active planning and conscious work together. We will have to accept that research, active listening, therapy and some difficult moments will be part of our process.
I don’t think we can just hope for the best and things will fall into place. If we really want the best for our children, we have to put them at the center. We have to get out of ourselves and look at the situation as if we were a case study.
We have to work on it.
Mixing isn’t as easy as flipping a switch. However, I believe that it is possible and I hope that I can facilitate it in the best possible way.