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a christmas wish

My sister is a woman who is now beginning to turn thirty. She has had few friends and her boyfriends have never been good to her. She now she has finally found a man who adores her.

They had an affair nine years ago, when he was twice her age and still married. My sister ended the affair and he separated from his wife. When my sister contacted him this spring, she finalized the divorce and they became a couple. Their marriage, which was arranged by his church, was never a happy one.

His parents and children are upset that he got divorced. Her children don’t want to meet her new girlfriend, and he hasn’t dared to tell her parents about her. The other issue is children. She wants; he doesn’t. I tell my sister that we both know where the other stands on this and neither has the right to impose on the other, but neither wants to leave.

My whole family visited them for my sister’s last birthday. It felt so good to see them together and to see my sister receive love and warmth at last. But knowing that at some point they will crash-land feels horrible. She has a man who loves her, but he is enmeshed in a restrictive family and church. Also, there is a dream conflict between them.

What should I tell my sister? We try to achieve an equal relationship, but we are in such different circumstances. I am married with two children, professional with friends and everything that she wants. I can’t tell you, after seeing her cozy home and how they take care of each other, that this is another failure.

Who am I to know? Maybe he accepts, or maybe she thinks he is more important than fulfilling her dream of having children. Maybe he should keep my “superior knowledge” to me.

Christmas

Noel, “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens is one of our favorite stories, but this story is so familiar that most of us forget the moral. Even in our old age it is not too late to change. Even in our old age, it is not too late to live the life that is our birthright. But we must want to change and then move on.

In Dickens’s tale, Ebenezer Scrooge is visited by the ghost of his old business partner, Jacob Marley. Marley warns Scrooge where his life patterns are leading him, and although Marley wants Scrooge to change, he has no power to make him change. Scrooge must go through a journey of discovery before he is ready.

You would like to play Jacob Marley for your sister, but not even Marley could change Scrooge. Three spirits were to show Scrooge his past, his present and, if he didn’t change, his dire future. Until Scrooge made this trip, he wasn’t ready.

That is the wisdom of history. We must examine the past for its lessons, search the present for its patterns, and project where those patterns will take us in the future. If those patterns lead to sadness, they must be changed so that they lead us to fulfillment. As Scrooge says, “Men’s courses will herald certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead. But if they stray from courses, the ends will change.”

Whether our life is a sad life, an abused life, or just a flat life, we can use this simple story as a guide to break the patterns that lead to bad endings. You can have the life you want for your sister, but you don’t have the power to give it to her. She won’t change until she’s ready. Keep your higher knowledge to yourself. If you want to do something, give your sister a copy of “A Christmas Carol” and silently make a wish for her happiness.

Direct Answers – Column for the week of December 22, 2003

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